


Almost or Four times Armin missed his best friend

by GreenSerpent



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2441951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenSerpent/pseuds/GreenSerpent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short story on Armin’s feelings while Eren is kidnapped and the Survey Corps’ attempt of revolution. (Canonverse - between chapters 57 and 61)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost or Four times Armin missed his best friend

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've posted something! I wrote this one because I had to write a fanfiction for my English class (!) and I couldn't miss the opportunity to write about my ultimate otp! They are not in a relationship nor there are mentions that they love each other, Eren only appears mentioned, since this one happens while he's still kidnapped in canon, but I tried to write something that gave me feels and was still appropriate to submit for my class (if I wrote them in an actual relationship, it would be so fluffy I'd be embarrassed to show my teacher, hehe). Well, this is what came out of my mind! Because we didn't see much of Armin's (or anyone's) thoughts/feelings on this whole revolution arc, I decided I wanted to write about it; plus, it's worth noticing it has loads of canon references, so it follows it quite closely. I waited a while to post and I think that after chapter 62 this was the right time to post it (great chapter for the ship!), so I hope you guys like it!

**_Hope/less_ **

 

When he knew, his eyes were wide open. He sat up fast and looked at his sides. He saw Connie and Jean sleeping next to him, unaware of anything. _Of course he’s not here._ Armin felt something warm coming down his cheek and, when he touched it, he realized he was crying. _I’m so stupid!_ He brought his knees close to his chin and his mind started to remember the reason he woke up in the first place. He was having that nightmare again.

It felt like those memories would never stop haunting his sleep. The fear, the hopelessness, the emptiness… Armin knew there was a period of time back then when it all happened that was blank; he didn’t know how long he stood in that empty state until the others arrived, all he knew is that, after Eren supposedly died, he couldn’t think or notice anything else around and it was scary.  Was it going to be alright this time? Eren was away from him again, in a place he couldn’t reach. _I just hope he’s still alright, I…_ The thought of his friend dying on him was unbearable, almost as bad as it was living that thought. He knew he had to do something and today was the chance. They would surely get him back, they would, everything should go according to the plan. If Eren’s gone, everything’s gone: humanity’s last hope and the dreams he and Armin once built together in Shinganshina, their most wanted thing.

Armin just stood sitting, his chest hurting, for what seemed like forever. He had to get ready for what was to come, but why was he so afraid? The guilt from back then came to him, but this time Eren wouldn’t die because of him, he would do something. The resolution was enough to make him at least feel a little composed again.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Just before it all_ **

 

“Armin, do you think we’ll make it?”

 

Jean was staring at the table covered with guns. Armin was caught by surprise and, at first, didn’t know what his answer was. He also looked at the table and it started to dawn on him that, maybe, he would have to use those guns. He sighed.

“I can’t tell you if it is going to be alright.” Armin started. “But I think now is the moment where we have to make our decisions.”

 

Everyone knew how Jean never wanted to join the Survey Corps in the first place. Armin didn’t know for sure why he did it, but he had a faint idea and thought it was a valid reason. He thought Jean was brave for having given up his wanted chance to join the Military Police and get all the comfort he wanted, but it seemed neither of them could just sit there and do nothing while their precious things were taken from them. It was really ironic, because now they were fighting against the ones Jean once aimed to be.

 

“I honestly don’t like the Captain’s way of dealing with things.” Jean seemed annoyed. It occurred Armin that maybe Jean was thinking of giving up. Armin also didn’t like what Captain Levi had done to Historia, for an example, but he understood it had to be done, though he could have done that in a less harsh way. Historia needed a wake-up call, she needed to realize her situation, that she was meant to be their Queen and leave her comfort zone to do what had to be done. It took Armin a while, but after thinking about it for a minute or so, he replied.

“I think you have to do whatever leads to the best results; I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I want to gather the courage in me and do something. I don’t want any more regrets than I already have. Jean, I’ll fight for what I believe and to protect it, even if...”

 

Jean looked at him as if he understood a little of how that felt. Jean lost his best friend and couldn’t do a thing, just like Armin once thought he did and, even if he saw it happen in front, he couldn’t move a muscle to save him. Now was the time to do something if they didn’t want more regrets from not protecting what’s precious to them.

 

“You’re talking about Eren when you say “regrets”, aren’t you?” Jean looked at Armin and now he was seeing right through him. Jean laughed a little. He remembered how he once said it was “gross” how Armin was always sticking by Eren’s side. Armin gave him a faint smile.

“You might not like him, but he’s the family me and Mikasa have left.” He took a deep breath and continued. “He sacrificed a lot for us. I want to do something, I want to help getting him back. And it’s not only that. As cruel as it is, I believe in this revolution we’re attempting to make. I don’t mind losing myself if that’s necessary.”

“You know that, just by saying this, you are already acting insane. Everyone here is trying to protect their sanity.”

“And it’s hard, isn’t it? After seeing what we saw, that is. You see, it’s just one of my beliefs. You can’t have things if you don’t put some effort in having them.”

“You know, I hate that bastard, Eren, I mean, and I don’t really get why you and Mikasa are so attached to that idiot, but I can’t turn back, can I?”

 

Jean sounded like he was really questioning Armin if he could give up and go back home. Armin didn’t say a thing. _If Eren was here, he’d sure get into a fight with Jean for saying that._ Armin felt his chest hurt again, just like a few hours before when he woke up from the nightmare. Jean looked at Armin and asked if he was alright, to which he answered getting up and going towards the closed window, clenching his fist. _I won’t lose you again. We’ll get you back._ Suddenly, the door opened. Captain Levi and Mikasa entered the room with a few bags.

 

“Hey, you, we’re leaving soon. You better be ready, I don’t want any brats pissing themselves.” That was all Levi said before leaving the room.

 

Mikasa stood beside Armin and didn’t even bat an eye to Jean, who left the room, frustrated. Armin looked at his friend; she had a determinate look on her face. He knew she was as set as him in getting Eren back. The three of them was all that was left now. She put he scarf over her mouth and looked down. They had to make it.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Lost humanity_ **

 

Armin thought about how he always believed the ones who could make a change were the ones who were willing to give up their humanity if needed and he even said that to Jean earlier. He wanted to be like that, he thought he could one day, but why was it so hard? His stomach hurt so much and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

 

“Armin!”

 

He couldn’t help himself. The fluids on the floor made everything uglier and uglier. He was felt confused, he didn’t want to believe what he had done. When he noticed, Mikasa was already there by his side. He looked so ugly, he felt so dirty he couldn’t stand it and he didn’t meant the fact he had just vomited on the grass. He knew there would be a time he would have to do something that wasn’t right. You have to dirty your hands if you want something. Why was it so hard? He knew he had to give up himself if it came to that, he knew, he always knew…

 

“Was it the same for you?” It was all Armin could say.

          

Mikasa couldn’t answer that question. She knew what Armin was talking about. She remembered the day when she lost her innocence, when the cruel world unveiled before her eyes and she was forced to do what she did. Everything was so confusing she just became empty until Eren wrapped the scarf around her neck. She had no regrets. To Armin, though, she knew it wasn’t so easy. She needed to reassure him somehow that it would get better, but what could she do? As Mikasa went back to the shelter, Armin just stood there, leaning against the tree beside him.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, crying, until the others called him to gather and eat. He didn’t feel like eating, but even so, he put himself together and joined them by the fireplace. Jean looked at him with so much guilt in his eyes while apologizing, but it wasn’t his fault. Jean couldn’t pull the trigger and almost died, but Armin… Armin was cruel, he didn’t even blink while taking the woman’s life, as if he had the right to do so. He felt so disgusted, even after the Captain’s words. _If your hands were still clean then Jean wouldn’t be here, right? You knew that in that situation you couldn’t just go halfway._ Levi was right, he really was. Armin’s rational side told him it was the right thing to do and the others reassured him that, but killing a person wasn’t something he could accept so easily. And they didn’t even succeed in their mission, they didn’t get Eren and Historia back. The ones they were fighting against were too powerful and now they had no clue where to start looking for their comrades again, how was the situation with Commander Erwin or how it went with Hanji’s attempt of getting allies and proofs. They had so much coming ahead of them, so many battles to come… It was scary. As the others left, Mikasa told Armin to stay.

 

“You know I’m not fond of the shortie, but he’s right. Armin, you saved everyone.” She looked at him with her strong, decided eyes. The eyes that had seen the worst things humans could do. Armin admired Mikasa’s strength, both physical and emotional. She kept going even after dirtying her hands and he wished he could move on like that too.

“I know, but…”

“You asked me how I felt when I killed that man, right?” Mikasa looked down and held her scarf. “It was not easy for me either, but Eren was there to tell me it was the right thing to do. We would both be dead if I didn’t, I had to and you as well. We had no choice.”

Armin looked at Mikasa. He really had no choice, right? But why was everything so hard? He thought of Eren. He wished he was as impulsive as his friend, he wished he was as courageous as him, as brave. Eren killed and died for his friends without a second-thought. He wished he could accept the monster inside himself like Eren did. They all had their hands dirty, like Levi said, and he should accept, as unfair as it was.

 

“Eren would think so too if he knew what happened, right?”

“Yes.” She took a deep breath. Armin knew she missed him as much as he did. “This world is cruel, Armin, but we have to fight.”

 

Armin felt really happy Mikasa was there. If she wasn’t there to reassure him, to give motivation, he didn’t know if he’d have the strength to continue. They had to go after Eren, they had to fight for what they believed, for the sake of the revolution, for the sake of humanity, to keep their hopes of one day seeing better days. Armin felt, for the first time, that he could forgive himself.

 

“We’ll make it through, right?”

Mikasa looked at Armin and took his hand. “Promise me you will have the courage. For us, for our fight. For him.”

“Yes. Thank you, Mikasa.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_The next step. Almost._ **

****

Hanji showed them the paper with the clue of Eren and Historia’s whereabouts. They were both still in the hands of the Central Military Police, but surely Levi’s Squad would do their work to get them back. They were so happy their efforts were finally paying off. Erwin’s plan succeeded, Hanji managed to make it public some of the government’s dirt, but still, the ones behind everything were still unknown and unpunished and they still held the secrets of the Walls and the Titans. Even if they had taken a long step, their war was still far from an end.

Armin looked at Mikasa, who was beside him and he knew she was as determinate as him. He was alright now that some time had passed since their battle against the Central Military Police people. He figured that, even if he felt he was the most despicable person ever to exist, it wouldn’t help anyone if those feelings held him from doing his part. Armin decided he would do what he had to do and worry about how he hated himself after it all passed. If anything, Armin always wanted to be useful and, if it meant sacrificing himself, he’d do that. He always believed that and now he was finally beginning to accept it within himself. They were in the middle of a revolution, it was for the sake of humanity and it was for Eren’s sake.

Armin suddenly remembered his reason for wanting to fight. He had a dream, one he built with his friend when they were kids. Armin hadn’t thought of that for some time, but now it came to him along with the hope of getting Eren back. It made him smile, it made him remember that there were many things to keep hanging on for, that maybe one day they would achieve happiness. Would they be able to, one day, when all of that was over, go outside of those walls? Would that war ever end, to begin with? He wanted to believe in that.

The world was cruel, Mikasa had pointed out. They had to fight for what they believed, they had to, despite of everything, try to make that cruel world a better place. They had gone so far and, even if they had a long way to go, Armin felt like they were each day closer. Captain Levi and Commander Hanji started to explain their plan for their next move. This time, they’d surely get Eren back and not almost do so, they’d reach him and Historia and keep on with humanity’s fight.

**Author's Note:**

> Btw, let me just remind you that they thought of each other on chapter 62. Just because that's the only thing in my mind since the chapter came out.


End file.
